Fortune cookies

* Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. -- Tallulah Bankhead

* A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. -- Gigo

* Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

* At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. -- Marshall Lumsden

* Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. -- Jawaharlal Nehru

* Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true. -- Solomon Short

* Age, n.: That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit. -- Ambrose Bierce

* A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. -- Prof. Steiner

* We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982

* We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? -- Fidel Castro

* Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

* A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. -- Herbert Prochnow

* I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest

* It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

* Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

* I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all. -- Ogden Nash

* Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

* If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. The world's as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful. -- Frederick Locker-Lampson * Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

* Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today. -- Ogden Nash

* "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood." -- Alexander Haig